


Let out your heart please, from behind that locked door

by Likethecolorblue



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: A little bit of angst, Domestic, Episode: s21e05 At Midnight in Manhattan, Fluff, M/M, your shoes say police
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 14:48:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21411937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Likethecolorblue/pseuds/Likethecolorblue
Summary: Shoes are flying from the walk-in closet and Rafael is totally clueless on what is happening to Sonny, after three days spent helping the SVU squad.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	Let out your heart please, from behind that locked door

Rafael was studying in his studio, when he heard a slam from the front door. Instinctively, he looked at his watch, surprised to see that it was almost six o'clock. He was so deep in books since morning that he didn’t even realized that it was already dark outside the windows.

After three days without Sonny, busy in a series of cases in collaboration with the SVU team, Rafael couldn’t stop daydreaming about spending some quality time with his boyfriend. Naively, he imagined that as soon as Sonny would step home, he would run into his arms, instead he heard heavy steps crossing the studio’s door and his first thought was that Sonny was headed to their bedroom, to change himself in more comfortable clothes.

He sat up from the desk with a smile on his face, savoring the anticipation of some junk food, a movie and cuddles on the sofa in Sonny’s long and strong arms.

Rafael didn’t have the time to close the door behind his back that he heard Sonny yelling his name. The tone of his voice was worrying, but the most alarming fact was that he called him Rafael, not amore mio or Rafi and the only time he called him with his full name was when there was something wrong.

“Rafael come here now!” he repeated, almost growling.

When Rafael stood at the bedroom’s door, he didn’t expect what he was actually seeing. A shoe flew from the walk-in closet and he could clearly hear Sonny railing against his shoes.

“Is everything alright, mi sol?” Rafael asked tentatively, clueless on what was happening to his boyfriend.

Sonny stormed out the walk-in closet, wielding a shoe like it was sword, and he stopped just a few inches from Rafael’s face.

“No Rafael! Nothing is fucking alright, okay?!” Sonny shouted, right in front his boyfriend’s face. He was visibly angry, but his watery eyes betrayed that there was something more.

Fortunately the times in which Rafael saw him angry could be count on the palm of a hand, and he couldn’t deny that one of those times was his fault, but this.. He never saw Sonny like that.

Rafael put an hand on Sonny’s cheek, stroking lightly, and for a second he thought he was able to give him some relief, but he was wrong.

“Would you like to tell me what happened? It’s work related or-”

“This happened!” showing him the shoe, “Can you believe that someone told me that my shoes say police? I’m.. What? Do you think it’s funny?”

Rafael cursed the giggle that escaped from his mouth and now he realized it was to late. “Absolutely not! I was just..”

“Do you think that this is stupid? Or you too think that I’m stupid?

Rafael couldn’t believe at those words, "Excuse me, who dared to call you stupid?” he grabbed Sonny’s hands that were tight in fists, but Sonny moved away, whispering a nevermind.

“Please Dominick..”

“I said nevermind!” he yelled, his fist so tight that the knuckles had become completely white.

Rafael came up with him, not caring about his nevermind. He couldn’t stand the distance between them. He needed to touch him, letting him feel his presence, to demonstrated that, if Sonny was falling apart, he was ready to catch him. “Talk to me, Sonny.” Rafael cupped Sonny’s face. “I promised you that I would be here for you no matter what, why don’t you trust me? Let me help you.”

“Apparently I’m not good enough for being an ADA, even my fucking shoes aren’t good enough! Why did I pursue this career when no one ever supported me?”

Those words took Rafael’s breath away and Sonny noticed it because immediately tried to reach his boyfriend’s arm, but this time was Rafael’s turn to step back. Sonny was moving his mouth, probably telling him that he was sorry for what he said, but Rafael couldn’t actually hear him, since in his ears there was just the echo of those unjustified words. “Okay, it’s better for me to go to the studio.”

“Rafael..” Sonny whispered, but Rafael pretended to not hear him and rushed to the home office.

He knew, okay. He knew that Sonny was tired, he knew the pressure of being the new ADA, he knew the difficulty of connecting with new colleagues, he knew that at the beginning nobody takes you seriously because you’re the new one. He could understand all these thoughts because they were the same he had when he started his career, but.. But shouting that no one never supported him in all those years,well.. That hit right in Rafael’s feelings.

Rafael closed the door behind his back and lingered there a little bit more, breathing deeply with his eyes closed, trying to cool down. It will pass, it’s just a moment, he thought opening his eyes and heading through the desk. He sat down, his eyes fixed on the door, hoping to see Sonny coming in, but it didn’t happen. A sigh escaped from his mouth. Rafael absent-mindedly opened the book that he was studying before the breaking of Sonny storm into their home, but after a few minutes he realized that he was staring blankly at those pages, so he decided to wait for him, doing the best thing he could do: dwelling over and over on what Sonny’s said in that fit of anger. 

Rafael knew that he didn’t actually mean it, however the only thought that Sonny wasn’t feeling totally supported, it made him nauseated. That no one that Sonny spitted like fire, it wasn’t directed to him. If at beginning those two words smacked him like a slap in the face, now, that his mind was more clearer, he could safely say that he had always helped him, even before he realized that he had a crush on the fresh new detective Carisi, even when he made childish jokes about Fordham because he was sure that no matter in which university Sonny was, he would be a great lawyer. When Rafael found out that Sonny was attending night classes, he tried to involve him, at first subtly, but then he began to realize that he was enjoying those exchange of words. Every time Rafael sarcastically replied to a Sonny’s right observation, he was so secretly and sincerely proud of him, but he was too shy to confess it. He was proud when he graduated, he was proud when he passed the bar, he was even prouder when Sonny, still a detective, ignored the frequent “You’re a cop, stop talking like a lawyer”. Sonny worked so hard to get where he was and knowing that there were still some people trying to bring him down, send Rafael over the edge.

Why for the others Sonny was never good enough, when in fact he was better of most of his colleagues? Probably he was biased, but Rafael couldn’t not be at Sonny side. He stand up, eager to comfort Sonny, even if he didn’t want, when he heard a light knock and then he saw the door slightly opened.

“May I?” asked Sonny in a whisper.

When Rafael finally saw him, his heart missed a beat. His boyfriend’s eyes were teary and swollen and his nose was brightly red. “Of course amor..” and suddenly he saw Sonny covering the distance between them and hugging him tight, almost desperately.

“I- I’m s-sorry..” he sobbed, his face buried on Rafael’s shoulder.

“Está bien, cariño, don’t worry,” he whispered, caressing Sonny’s back.

Sonny left up his face, large tears streaming down his cheeks, “I-I swear Rafi, I-I-I di-didn’t mean it.. Those words..”

Rafael put his hand on his cheek, his thumb on Sonny’s lips who was leaning to his touch, “I know.” he simply said, his thumb now was gently stroking Sonny’s face, trying to wipe away the tears, then Rafael’s fingers slipped down on his neck, brushing that small glimpse of naked skin. Sonny flinched under his touch and Rafael had to refrain his desire of holding him tight in his arms and making love to him on the floor of his studio. His fingertips fondled the soft texture of Sonny’s shirt and Rafael couldn’t stop from touching him until he reached his boyfriend’s hand. “Would you like to sit on the sofa with me?” asked, holding his hand tight. Sonny nodded and he followed Rafael silently.

They sat and remained in silence for few seconds. Rafael didn’t want to force Sonny to tell him what happened, he wanted to make him feel comfortable and let him know that he would speak only if he really want it. Rafael patted his legs and Sonny knew exactly what to do. He lay down on the sofa, his head on Rafael’s knees and he relaxed under his boyfriend’s touch. No words were needed in that moment, there were just them. The only sounds that were filling the room were the breath of Sonny that finally was quieting down and the low moans that occasionally escaped from Sonny’s mouth caused by Rafael’s skilled fingers that were caressing his hair.

“Do you think I’m stupid if I hoped that my best friend would have been happy for my new position as ADA?” asked Sonny out of the blue.

Rafael was surprised hearing that, but, secretly, he wasn’t surprised to know who made Sonny upset.

“Amanda.. I had an argument with Amanda.”

“Hmm.. Do you want to talk about it?”

“I-I was just entered in the precinct and the Liv updated me on all the cases that I was following. Then we went to her office to listen to Miss Baca’s witness, the same trans girl that told me that my shoes say police,” a snort escaped from his mouth,“ when Amanda came in. At first we were discussing about Chloe’s case, but then.. I still can’t believe it. We were in the middle of the precinct, with all the other colleagues around us, and she started to yell at me that if the squad was having a hard time, the fault was mine. Mine! And you know why? Because I left them, no wait, I left her for pursuing my dream. Rafael, she told that I was stupid to think that she was happy for me. My best friend lied to me for months.”

Rafael hummed, trying to remain calm, but deep down his heart he was seething. “I’m sure that she didn’t mean it. She was tired and maybe her stress level was that high that she found herself yelling at you those things.” and he was really hoping that there was a grain of truth in the words that he just said.

“No Rafi, I was exhausted too, but I didn’t shout our personal matters in front of all the precinct. You know that Amanda didn’t speak to me for days when she found out that I was giving you a second chance after your return?”

Of course, he didn’t know it, since Sonny hadn’t confided in him, “Maybe she was worried about I would hurt you again..”

Sonny moved from Rafael’s knees and sat up. His face was a little less tense, but in his eyes, that were still puffy, Rafael could read the disappoint. “She wasn’t worried, she was just disappointed that I didn’t tell her immediately. Why she’s like this? I supported her, I helped her with the girls, I spent so many evenings speaking with her and reassuring her that everything would be fine. I love her, she is my best friend and, yes, maybe right now I’m a busy with my new work, but I’ll always be there for her.”

“And she knows it? I mean, you told her this?” Rafael asked, while his brain was busy to think that he had to speak to Amanda as soon as he can.

“She already knows it, Rafi.”

Dios mío, ayúdame tú, Rafael thought. Those two were a mess and Rafael always found himself putting a patch on their friendship. It didn’t matter how many times Rafael had told himself that it was the last time he would help them, he would have done it anyways because he knew how much Sonny cared about Amanda. “Sonny, in this moment she needs some assurances. She needs to hear from you that no matter what, you’ll be always by her side, not as a work partner, but as a friend. Talk to her.”

“What if it wasn’t the stress talking, but she really meant those words?”

“I am going to ask you a thing, okay?” Sonny nodded, trying a little smile, “Before you cried out at me that no one supported you and implicitly I was part of that no one. Did you mean it?”

“Absolutely not and I already apologized.”

“You hadn’t a proper meal and a proper sleep for days. You felt the pressure of all those cases on your shoulders. Was your exhaustion maybe talking?”

“Yes.”

“Talk to her.”

Sonny threw himself into Rafael’s arms, sitting on his legs. Rafael could feel Sonny mouth’s near his ear, his warm breath brushing his skin, “What would I do without you?” he whispered.

“Just what you usually do!”

Sonny chuckled, knowing that this was a obvious lie, “I swear that I will support your career as a judge with all my strength, even if it will keep you busy every day and we will only be able to see each other at night and you will be so tired that you won’t even want to kiss me and ..”

Rafael kissed away Sonny’s last words. “You’re so dramatic. First of all, I just submitted my name to the judicial nominating commission and it is not certain that they’ll elect me and second, I’ll never be tired of kissing you and as a proof we will spend the night kissing like two teenagers. But first, please, listen to my advice and talk to her, it’s important for the both of you.”

"Okay, I can do this,” he nodded firmly, ”I’m going to write at Amanda and then, I’ll call that bakery in Staten Island and send to the squad some cannolis, but all this can wait until tomorrow. Right now I need to sleep, to eat, to wash myself and change to more comfortable clothes and, above all, I need you. And since the order of this list is purely random, I could begin from you. Obviously if you want.”

“Are you sure? Don’t you want to go buy some shoes worthy of an ADA? I know that small boutique that sells only Italian shoes..” he proposed, sliding his arms around his waist and drawing him even more towards himself.

Sonny pouted and shook his head, “Nah, my old shoes are still very fine and then they remind me where I came from and all the sacrifices that I made.”

“Okay counselor, I’m ready to fulfill your wish list.”

——

[from: Amanda 1:17AM] we’re good.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading♡
> 
> I didn’t watch the episode, I apologize in advance if there are any inaccuracies.
> 
> English is not my first language, please forgive any mistakes.


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